The Rest of the Story

It's been said that I'm still not telling it like it really is. Perhaps people (my peeps) don't really know what this is like and what I am going through. This is the rest of the story.

As most know, I've had two chemotherapy treatments and around 20 radiation treatments so far. Chemo is the drug they slow-drip into you via I.V. (that's a needle attached to a bag of liquid chemical stuck in my arm). Radiation is getting strapped down to a table and being targeted with a giant laser-beam shooting radiation at my face and neck (you know, the kind of radiation that can give you skin cancer).

The chemo is the worst 3 or 4 days after treatment. It's like the worst flu... tired, nausea, achy, and very tired. So far the anti-nausea prescriptions have worked pretty good... only because I haven't hurled yet. Also, the chemo makes you lose all your taste buds temporarily during treatment. However, it's worse than just not having taste buds. Everything taste like metal or cardboard or worse. Whatever the taste is it makes you want to throw it back up, so eating has become work.

The radiation is harmless during treatment... can't feel a thing. It builds up though. It's now been four weeks and the inside of my mouth and throat is completely blistered. The skin is dark brown or white depending on whether it's falling off or still hanging on. This makes it uncomfortable to swallow so my entire diet is now liquid. I make shakes out of protein powder and milk... the colder the better. These are high protein, high calorie shakes designed to keep my weight up. About 10 or 12 oz drinks with 300-400 calories in each. Makes it easier to drink it down fast because the taste is so awful.

The radiation also kills my saliva glands. My saliva is almost completely gone now. Saliva is responsible for washing off the teeth to keep plaque from building up. Since I have none, I have to brush and rinse my mouth about every hour to keep my teeth from rotting out. Randomly I'll have days with either complete cotton mouth or my saliva is so thick it's like a glue. It's very hard to swallow or spit out. Usually when I do have to spit it out, it's so thick that it creates a gag-reflex and makes me almost throw-up. I've had to learn to sleep with my mouth shut to limit my having to swallow. The 2 or 3 times during the night when I do need to swallow, that gag-reflex is so bad I usually have to get out of bed to clear my throat.

Between the radiation and the chemo my hair is starting to fall out. The radiation eliminates hair wherever it treats permanently. The chemo eliminates hair temporarily all over my head. I will have permanent hair loss along the lower 1 or 2 inches of my neck. The radiation burns like a sun-burn but worse. It doesn't just burn the outside skin but burns all the way through. Even my neck and shoulders are blistered and peeling. My gums are blistered and peeling.

Besides all the unpleasantness's, I'm tired all the time. Between pain prescriptions, anti-nausea medication, chemo and radiation I'm tired and exhausted most of the time now. I sleep most of the day only up to have a protein shake, clear my throat or rinse my mouth of yeast and blistered skin.

I never did sleep very well during the night anyway, but now it's worse. To even sleep soundly for a few hours at a time I help from the doctor. It's these quiet times just before I drift off to sleep that I talk to God... that I really get a chance to thank God for making it through. I thank God every night for every little thing in my life that I didn't give much thought to before. I thank God for providing for my family when I can't. I thank God for my wife, who quietly takes care of everything so I don't have to worry. I thank God for my kids who still write me home-made cards telling me they love me "sssooooooooo much". I thank God for all the friends and relatives who take time to show love to me.

It's at night that I remember Psalm 4:8 "I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, oh Lord, make me dwell in safety".